To the boy....

by Katie Ann


I found your letter today while cleaning.  If I wasn't already reliving our small encounters every time I saw you around campus, I definitely am now.  You wrote me a letter!  Granted, it was more like a small note you passed to me after class one day, but guys don't just do that, even really nice guys.  You said it was "middle schoolish" but I thought it was adorable.  You were trying to apologize for not being able to go with me to an event I had to attend with someone.  That someone was supposed to be you.  I sometimes think that maybe if you had been able to go with me, things would be different.  I would either just fall more head over heals for you or it would completely cure me of my crush and the same would go for you.  It would mean that something would have to change between us after that, either way would be better than the months that it didn't.  That we kept on doing whatever we were doing.  Regardless it never happened, and the only time I got to see you, that dreadful class, ended as quickly as we did.

That's one thing I just don't understand, how quickly it ended.  You seemed like you liked me. You kept asking me to study with you for our tests even though you knew as well as I did that we didn't study nearly as much as we just talked.  You came to see me perform and you would catch up to me after class to talk.  You sent all these signals that I thought I was interpreting correctly and I thought I was giving you encouragement back.  I even asked you on a date, that date you couldn't make.

The only thing I can figure is that it was me.  I either didn't encourage enough, didn't flirt enough, or simply just wasn't enough.  Whatever it was, it's ok.  I'll be graduating in a couple months, moving away, and I'm sure soon enough I'll find a new crush.  A new guy who will lead me to think that he likes me, and once again I'll be sorely mistaken.  You, him, and all the others will string the fairly decent line of missed/obsolete connections of before.

I'm not keeping the letter anymore.  I already have memories, I don't need a letter to hold it all together.  Part of me wishes I were keeping it though, because then it would mean it was special.  But it doesn't, because you weren't anything special, you were just the typical.

I deserve the special and refuse to settle for anything typical.