I had three friends get engaged on facebook this last week and all the fears and insecurities of life came flooding in. What am I doing with my life? How have I not met that person yet? Did I already meet him but screwed it up? How have I never dated anyone by now? Is really no one interested in me… blah blah blah blah blah. Basically I was having a pity party for myself when I have more than enough blessings going on in my life right now. But I just could not see it in that moment and it wasn’t until I talked to my awesome Brirthday Twin Adrienne, that parts of it started to make sense. She is so encouraging to me and is always speaking the truth into my life. She also always does this with a lot of humor and sarcasm… it’s awesome. Here is a little list she gave me after I told her the reason of my little break down the night before.
1. God has a plan that’s awesome
2. He is preparing a boy for you
3. Boys need time to grow and mature
4. It takes them a long time
5. You don’t have time for a boyfriend anyways
6. You get to hang out with me instead
7. If he never comes, I’ll buy you a puppy and you can live in my yard
8. Problem solved
Sounds great, right? But really there is a second part to this struggle which I realized a couple days later: is it possible to be waiting for that next milestone (i.e. married life) and yet be a content single woman of God and what on earth am I supposed to do with the planner inside me? I came across this question as I was doing my homework and I had another little panic attack in which I realized I had one year until the end of my college career and too many options with no direction of what to do afterwards. I ended up making a list of possible career options and at the end just burst into laughter over how trivial it all seemed. Let’s be honest, I thought I would have a significant other in my life at this point. And if that were the case and things were serious, as long as we would have a way to support ourselves and our possible future family, I would not hesitate in getting married within a year after college. However, this would dramatically change my job intentions. I feel very strongly that I would like to start having a family after a year of being married. To me sharing your life with that person and raising a family goes hand in hand. So since that is the case, I would not be contemplating going off to Law school because I am personally against being married and going to school at the same time and I don’t see a point to not spending a lot of time in that job area after putting all that time and money into it. Instead, I would focus my energy on finding a short term job and or a job that I could do with little ones.
But now let’s be brutally honest: I have no significant other in my life at the moment and am not expecting one to magically appear during my senior year of college. And this leaves me with a lot of time where I don’t know when this boy is going to appear and what I should do in that time period (as you can tell by this point in this post, I am a serious planner and list maker). And yet regardless of all these questions and the equal amount of lack of answers, Adrienne’s number one still rings in my mind: God has a plan that’s awesome. But can’t He just share it with me so I can approve it first?
Nope, instead I am just to trust Him. Trust that He has done more than enough in past history to prove Himself. Trust that He has done more in my own life already to prove Himself. Trust that the One who sent His Son to die for me so that I might or might not accept Him in the end has already proved Himself. In fact, regardless of your ideas of predestination and election, isn’t it awesome that we have a God who does sacrifice Himself for us with the possibility of us not accepting Him for what He’s done. He specializes in the unknown and yet I still don’t trust Him.
These fears and questions of my future are not new in my life but I am determined to hopefully make some headway in this regard, especially with the impending doom of graduation this coming year. If anyone has any suggestions or encouragement on how this might be done I welcome them because I have no idea. So my plan is (yeah I think God is just going to have to impart a lot of grace on the planner that I am) a lot, a lot, a lot of prayer, some further research into career areas I am interested in, and the hope that God will just magically lead me through the time after college into what I am going to do through a seemingly coincidental series of events.